Sometimes I'm not a very nice person but most the time I am loving and kind and that's good enough. I think I'm improving as a human being but I find it hard to change myself completely. Honestly, I don't know if I'd be happy being 100% loving and kind. When someone hurts my feeling purposely and repeatedly, I just don't see the need to be nice and all kind about it. Now I'm a little older, I discovered another option to let go off the relationships that bring out the worst in me.
I love my husband and he's doing his best. This got me through the first few stressful months of being a new mom. Breastfeeding meant I was on all the time. Even when I'm not breastfeeding, I was pumping. My chronic hives became uncontrollable accompanied with hot flashes. It made me very cranky. My perfectionist and control side sometimes got the best of me. I sometimes yelled at my poor husband for being not efficient enough, not being a good enough dad, not caring enough...but seriously, deep inside I know I can't ask for a better husband. When we're in pain, running on a couple hours of sleep while being responsible for a little human whose only way of communication is crying, it drives us to our darkest place. She was lactose intolerant, when she's not refusing to latch on the breasts, she would punch the bottle after every sip because she's hungry, frustrated, and having gas pain all at once due to the milk. We both went through so much as new parents, he really tried his best, I had to keep that in mind. While I complained like it's my full time job, he never said anything unkind. He was always there for us, feeding me while I feed our baby. Putting her to bed while I take a nap. Cooking/getting us food while I pump milk. Giving massage like a millions times a day. He has done so much. You'd think I would understand but my mind was clouded with the baby cry. So I started this mantra in the midst of it all. It worked. It grounded me and my expectations of others.
She can't speak. Crying is the only way for her to communicate with me. Instead of getting frustrated, hating myself, hating the fact that I had a baby, or hating her for keep crying, I focused on listening to her, listening to different types of cries. She taught us her different cries. A one second cry meant I peed my pants. A longer 5-10 seconds meant I'm hungry. Kicking the bottle meant the milk hurt my belly. Her various sounds meant hold me, carry me around the house, keep walking until your legs turn jelly. She's precious. It took us time but we finally realized she's a great communicator, we just need to become good listeners. And we did, for her. This mantra has helped me so much in being more patient with my daughter. It's almost like when you say Namaste at the end of class. It means 'The light in me see the light that resides in you'. It means I can see how beautiful your soul is beneath all the masks you may put on. It means I may disagree with you, you may even be a bad person sometimes, I still see the light in you that want to shine through.